Why I Gave Up Porn (Noah T)

Some people that think when they get married, their desire to watch pornography will suddenly disappear. Once they have a regular outlet, they reason, they simply won’t have a need for it. The utility of having a sexual partner notwithstanding, many married people regularly watch pornography. Indeed, pornography has a lot do with factors besides need for an outlet (like obtaining an instant, effortless dopamine rush, and satisfying increasingly perverted desires.)

YouTube vlogger “Noah T” is married. He used to watch pornography, but not anymore. Six months of abstention convinced him that pornography stood in the way of him living his best life. Pornography drained him of energy, made him less attracted to his wife, and made him feel shame for supporting an industry that took advantage of troubled young women. Noah T went from a guy who liked pornography as much as anyone to a guy who can’t imagine watching it ever again. I’ve transcribed his inspiring testimony below.

And, then, luckily, after a long time, a couple months, I stopped thinking of porn altogether. Completely. I didn’t miss it, I didn’t look for it. In fact, I was turning my head. I found myself turning my head on Instagram and I’m just scrolling through feeds and I saw one of those pictures of a girl in a thong I would literally just look away because I had no interest any longer in seeing that. I wanted to focus on my girl. I liked that suddenly she’d become the center of my sexual desires. The center of my pursuit. My queen, my woman, my life partner. It elevated her in a way that I never knew possible.

Noah T

Note: His testimony is really graphic and describes routine marital activities in fine detail. If that may be a stumbling block for you, now would be a good time to click away.

For more, check out the complete archive of testimonies.

Transcript:

I’ve loved porn since I can remember. Porn has been a normal part of my life since I was like 11, 12 years old up until 6 months ago. I’m currently 6 months free of any pornography of any kind. My name’s Noah, by the way. I’m just the guy talking about porn.

Before I quit, I think I was looking at porn 4, 5 days a week, but the new perspective I have on porn, I was seeking out that sort of thing–seeking out sexual fantasy–probably daily. Just not necessarily all triple-x, penetration-driven porn. But in other ways like searching “big-booty hoes” on Instagram.

After I got married, it became more a point of shame. Building up to when I quit, I was watching porn a few times a week. It was very compulsive, and I found that what I was searching was getting inherently more nuanced, more novelty driven. I would be watching porn, sometimes I would have multiple screens going, crazy sh*t, over-stimulation–nothing was quite good enough, I had to find something better. Then you finish, you bust, and then you just feel like sh*t. Everything you had on screen just looks really bad. Click, click, click–you’re trying to make it stop.

And I think that points to some sort of red flag in me. I’ve always kind of inherently known that this can’t be quite right. And I didn’t talk to my wife about it. It was one of those things she didn’t ask, I didn’t tell. And I learned retrospectively, she had no idea how much I was watching porn. I was watching YouTube, and on my recommended list was a TedTalk–“Why I stopped watching porn” by Ron Gavrieli. This video had 14,000,000 million views, and sometimes it catches my eye if a video has a ton of views–I love TedTalks. And I was like “that’s interesting,” and for whatever reason I was in a place where I wanted to receive that. I wanted to hear his talk on porn.

I like to tell you that it was purely morality-driven. That part came later. If I’m being completely honest, the part that got my attention the most is when I learned that it could improve my intimacy with my wife. Sexually-speaking, even though I feel like I have a very healthy relationship with my wife, I was having trouble being aroused by basic things. Foreplay was less interesting to me. I wasn’t that excited just to see my beautiful wife, who I think is gorgeous, walk around naked. Maybe she was getting out of the shower or something like that–I wouldn’t notice as much. I was having to go to the spaces mentally that were dirtier and kinkier and freakier in order to climax. The sh*t that I think when I watch porn.

When he mentioned this in the video, that watching porn can have a negative impact on your ability to have good quality, healthy sex with your partner, I was like “interesting. I’ve been desensitized.” Porn had desensitized me. One thing he brought up in the video is that porn focuses on the act of penetration. The action of penetration. It takes away a lot of the natural aspects of intimacy–touch, feel, caress, foreplay, kissing, holding, hugging. Things that when you watch porn, you don’t care about. I would fast forward right to the action.

And so what that started to translate to in these years that I didn’t even know about when I wanted to have sex with my wife [is] I wanted to get into the action. I wanted to dominate her. I wanted to f*ck her more often than I wanted to make love to her. And that didn’t sit well with me. I might not be the best guy, but I’m certainly open to being a better guy, and this video connected with me. And so the first thing I wanted to find out is if I give up porn, am I really going to have a better sex life with my wife? Is it going to make us closer? Is it going to improve our intimacy? I wanted to see if it was something I could accomplish?

Another thing is the older I got the more I realized that like the girls I’m watching are just young. They’re young. Now an 18-year old looks like a kid to me. I was like young, like they’re my age, but when you get a little bit older, 18-year-olds, 20-year-olds, 21-year-olds–they’re like kids. And so it’s like I’m beating off to kids. That’s how I started thinking about it and I wanted that off my brain, too. I was going to try and I did it in secret. I didn’t tell my wife, and I didn’t tell anybody because I wasn’t sure I would be able to because I always looked at porn.

But I gave it up. And I want to be perfectly honestly. In the very beginning it was really, really, really hard. Removing it made me realize how reliant I had become on it. I found myself just itching–and I also started realizing that I wasn’t just watching it on my computer. I was constantly watching it on my phone. I was constantly seeking it–getting that release, that addictive dopamine release. I was looking for it, and when it was gone, something felt like it was missing.

For a couple weeks–2, 3, 4 weeks–I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do it because I missed it so much, I was so used to it, and it was so integrated into who I was, and I hadn’t started to notice the benefits at that time. But then the craziest thing started happening. Everything this guy said would happen if I gave up porn started to come true. And I couldn’t believe it and I was so thrilled. My wife became that much more beautiful to me and I always thought she was beautiful, but I was seeing her in a new light. I couldn’ t believe how gorgeous she looked. She would smile and I would get an erection. She would just smile at me, and I would feel intense arousal. Suddenly, I was more interested in her touch and foreplay. Suddenly, she’d get out of the shower and put on a towel, and I could barely contain my arousal for her. Basically, it made me want to have sex with my wife 24/7, which obviously if I don’t keep that under check, it’s not like a great thing–she’s human, she needs me to not be a rabbit. Suddenly, I wanted my wife more than I ever wanted her before. And I always wanted her. That was awesome, that was absolutely awesome. I felt like I was becoming a more in-tune lover.

And I had more energy for everything. Every aspect of foreplay, every aspect of touching, of kissing, of scratching her back. Things that I wanted to skip before–I wanted to work through those because I was trying to get into the action–the penetration. I had been programmed with porn. And I felt a deeper connection with her. And, of course, the thing that really made me want to keep going was that we were having the best sex of our lives after I gave up porn. We were having more sex than we’d ever had before after I gave up porn.

These are reinforcing qualities of giving up porn that I wasn’t taking lightly. And, then, luckily, after a long time, a couple months, I stopped thinking of porn altogether. Completely. I didn’t miss it, I didn’t look for it. In fact, I was turning my head. I found myself turning my head on Instagram and I’m just scrolling through feeds and I saw one of those pictures of a girl in a thong I would literally just look away because I had no interest any longer in seeing that. I wanted to focus on my girl. I liked that suddenly she’d become the center of my sexual desires. The center of my pursuit. My queen, my woman, my life partner. It elevated her in a way that I never knew possible.

6 months later, and I can’t imagine ever going back to porn. and some of the benefits that I didn’t think about initially–and I kind of wish I could say that I did because it’d sound better–the fact that porn is exploiting women. Women have a choice to do porn, but if you look at the industry, and I’ve seen some documentaries since–a lot of the girls that end up in porn, and guys I suppose, but girls are the ones I focus on more–they come from really troubled environments, from harsh situations and trauma, and they end up porn. They’re so young, and it’s a messy thing. It messes a lot of them up. And I started to feel more empowered to never go back because of that, too.

And I want to promote healthy relationships with my wife and with people. And I want to have a better use of my time, and I want to feel better about myself. On a sentimental note, I just felt like a better person after I gave up porn. And it’s not that I felt like I was better than anyone else, but I felt like a better version of me. It’s more in line with values that I decided weren’t that important. I normalized porn, and giving it up just had put me more in line with certain qualities about myself that just made me feel better. Gave me a good sense of pride, which is important. I can’t imagine ever going back.

On a bad note, it’s harder than ever not to have an orgasm now. I can barely keep [it] in check with my wife I’ve slept with a billion times. And now every time feels like the first time because I swear I can barely not go. I’ve become so much more sensitize down there. I ended up only having orgasm/release when I was with my wife, and it made it really powerful. And I wasn’t constantly blowing my load, alone, at home, or when I wasn’t with her. Now it was like I was saving all of that sexual energy for her. And it made it more special. It made it better, plain and simple. I can’t believe that I don’t masturbate anymore except in the context of being intimate with my wife. That’s crazy, right? She suddenly became better than any sexual fantasy that I could ever imagine. And she was always good enough, and I was always attracted to her, and we always had amazing sex, but it took it to a whole new plane, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And it makes me feel like a better husband. And she’s so proud of that. And I’m proud to tell her that I don’t do it anymore. It’s such a cool thing to be able to say.

I want to thank my wife for being OK with me talking about this because it’s personal, but I feel like this could help people. If you’re not ready to give up porn, there’s no judgments here. . . Look into it, maybe. And if you’re in a position to possibly give this a try, see if you might have a similar response that I’ve had because it’s pretty profound. I can’t see myself going back. And I never would have guessed that in a million years. Nobody loved porn more than I loved porn, and now I can’t imagine ever watching it, which is pretty f*cking dope.