Pornography addiction is very much a silent epidemic. Due to the internet, addicts can spend months, even years of their lives, without anyone knowing they have a problem. Privacy and anonymity can be great when they aren’t being used as a smokescreen for self- and other-destructive behavior. Unfortunately, many people have no idea their partner is addicted to pornography. They may discover this fact by stumbling across their partner’s browser history or by catching them in the act. Or they may identify certain behavioral patterns in their partner typical of porn addicts. On one hand, porn addicts typically have their own motivation for keeping it a secret. On the other hand, very few people understand the issue, and are able and willing to offer concrete help.
Today, I’ve transcribed an insightful, information-intensive post put out by J.K. Emezi of Porn Reboot that I think can be very helpful for the partners of porn addicts. Emezi has worked with clients for more than a decade to overcome their porn addiction and regain control over their lives. Emezi begins by unpacking 6 tell-tale signs your partner is addicted to porn; shares bad news; shares good news; and concludes with two tips that help partners answer the question “What do I do now?”
6 signs your partner is addicted to porn: 1-) Sex in your relationship has disappeared or reduced in quality; 2-) your partner is spending a lot more time online; 3-) your partner is a lot more judgmental; 4-) your partner has developed new sexual interests; 5-) your partner becomes a lot more private and secretive; 6-) your partner has become more detached and cold; 7-) the bad news is you can’t make anyone stop their addiction or overcome it; 8–)the good news is that nothing is wrong with you and the burden is not on you to fix your partner’s issues; 9-) set clear boundaries and don’t go along with everything your partner says; 10-) focus on self-care to reinforce your self-esteem and confidence, which will also help you to better support your partner.
Check out the complete video and transcript down below. I’ve included a blurb from the transcript, and copied one of the top comments, which I found very sobering. If you are a porn addict yourself, maybe this can awaken you to the pain you are causing your significant other and motivate you to get help.
Now men who are addicted to pornography have a tendency to objectify their partners, and become very critical of different aspects of their partner’s life. They may become critical of your physique, your lifestyle, and many of the things which they previously never showed any interested. Now this is rough, and can make you feel pretty bad about yourself. Sometimes you feel that no matter what you do, you’re just never good enough for him. And it’s true, because he’s set absolutely unrealistic standards for you, thanks to pornography. This treatment can take a heavy toll on your self-esteem.
J.K. Emezi
Thank you for talking about this!! I couldn’t understand what was happening; I kept trying but it destroyed me. 4 years later and Im a shell of the formerly strong, happy, capable person I was before him and his addiction. I didn’t know the signs, I didn’t know this could even be an addiction! He blamed me, he set expectations and moved the goal posts so I could never reach them. He felt it wasn’t cheating but it cheated us out of true connection, intimacy, a bond, a healthy relationship. He felt it was “only” porn not drugs but it was a true dopamine response the same way any drug is and I felt betrayed the same way any cheated woman would. He became a product of big business porn industry, a brainless shill, I lost respect, and trust watching him so easily controlled like some type of beta simp. I’m gonna miss him forever, the real him. Please keep talking about this.
Perfectly Imperfect Life Stories
For more from J.K., type “Porn Reboot” in the blog’s search bar, or click here. You can also visit the complete archive of articles on integrity.
Transcript:
As a coach who works with men and women who struggle with sexually compulsive disorders, over the past few years, I’ve seen a lot more women reaching out to me, incredibly hurt after discovering that their boyfriend or husband has a pornography addiction. These women feel terrible. They feel betrayed. Their sense of certainty in the relationship is basically devastated.
What’s interesting is that they usually say something along the lines of, “You know, but, J.K., everything in our relationship is great.” Or, “He’s a really good man.” As a man who’s been that guy in a relationship, I’ll say that while this is true, he’s still a man struggling with an addiction. And that addiction is destroying you. It’s destroying him. And it’s destroying your relationship.
When we care for someone, we naturally feel a need to justify their behavior. That’s normal. But, it’s that very justification that keeps us in this dysfunctional, and we keep getting hurt over and over again. Now, pornography addiction, like any other addiction, affects not just the porn addict, but everyone else in their life. So today, we’re going to talk about some of the ways that having a partner with a porn addiction has affected you and your relationship, and then we are going to talk about some of the steps we can take to handle it.
Some of the ways it affects your relationship—sex in your relationship has disappeared, or reduced in quality. When you have sex, there is either no connection, or he does not seem present at all. You usually end up wondering if you’re doing something wrong. Or if you’re physically attractive enough. Maybe you think that some body part of yours is not the right shape or size. Maybe you feel that you’re not adventurous or enthusiastic enough. The list goes on and on.
Next is, your partner is spending a lot more time online. He’s spending a lot more time online alone. Maybe you’re off to bed, and he chooses to isolate himself to “do more work.” Or something else online. And it’s become habitual. This can make you feel bad, especially if you begin to feel that perhaps he’s choosing the internet over you.
Your partner is a lot more judgmental. Now men who are addicted to pornography have a tendency to objectify their partners, and become very critical of different aspects of their partner’s life. They may become critical of your physique, your lifestyle, and many of the things which they previously never showed any interested. Now this is rough, and can make you feel pretty bad about yourself. Sometimes you feel that no matter what you do, you’re just never good enough for him. And it’s true, because he’s set absolutely unrealistic standards for you, thanks to pornography. This treatment can take a heavy toll on your self-esteem.
Another one is your partner has developed new sexual interests. He has suddenly become, maybe rougher in bed. Or he is begun to show interest in engaging in sexual acts that he previously showed no interest in. Some of these things may be acts that you’re not comfortable with, or acts that you straight up have no interest in.
Your partner becomes a lot more private and secretive. He starts changing the password on his devices. Or he never leaves his devices around you. You may also start observing inconsistencies in the stories he tells you, and when you call him out on it, he acts overly defensive about them.
Your partner has become more detached and cold. Now this is when you feel that your partner is a lot more distant. It becomes obvious that the connection is no longer there. And this can be very difficult because he won’t acknowledge it directly, or he will blame something else for his emotional unavailability. Sometimes, when you reach out to him, he flips it on you, and accuses YOU of being overly emotional, or just being needy or nagging.
OK, so let’s assume that your pretty sure that your partner has a problem with pornography. What do you do next?
Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The bad news is that you cannot make anyone stop their addiction or overcome it. Also, you run the risk of trying to help, and end up failing over and over and over again, which can just leave you exhausted. The good news is that nothing is wrong with you, and the burden is not on you to fix your partner’s issues.
You have to set very clear boundaries for yourself, to stop you from going all in on this quest to save your partner. You don’t have to put up with everything your partner says. This protects you from hurting yourself too much, and also helps you to stay level-headed when sorting through the situation.
Now this is how that dysfunctional cycle that I was telling you about works, when your partner is addicted to porn. You find out he’s keeping secrets related to his porn use from you. You confront him, and he reacts by blaming you, blaming something else, or he becomes defensive. Or he becomes angry, and he makes YOU the cause of the problem.
Next, you usually work through it, and he does one of two things. He either apologizes for his behavior, and tells you he really wants to quit. Tells you how much he appreciates you. Or he shuts off, and I call it “wearing his armor.” He lets you know you have no obligation to put up with his behavior, and he basically tells you that if you don’t really like this, you can leave. Now this second reaction is usually manipulative, because it causes you, as the partner, to feel more responsible, think about how much you actually care for him, and you want to be there to support him.
Next, there’s the short period where the relationship seems normal again, or even better. Then he relapses. He watches porn again, and everything starts back from square one. A couple can go through this cycle dozens of times, which leaves the partner emotionally exhausted. It leaves you traumatized and devastated by all of these repeated betrayals.
Now if any of this sounds familiar to you, my recommendation is to sit down with your partner, and actually identify this cycle. Talk about it, and bring it into the light, and realize that this cycle is very detrimental to your relationship. After that, set boundaries.
If you haven’t been focusing on yourself during your relationship, and it’s always been about both of you, now is the time to start working on yourself. This is important because you have to build up or reinforce your self-esteem and confidence. Spend more time with your friends. Join classes you enjoy. Read uplifting material, and just de-stress and strengthen yourself. You’ll be better able to support your partner when you feel confident and happy with yourself.
