The following is a transcript I created of a YouTube video entitled “Is Porn Cheating? | Pastor Mark Driscoll.” For the embedded video, continue to the end of the article.
Interviewer: What’s the best advice you can give a couple that has recently discovered things like pornography and infidelity in the marriage? What’s the way forward for healing? How do you deal with that?
How To Heal From Pornography and Infidelity
Mark Driscoll: I would say, first of all, bring in a godly, neutral third party. It can be a pastor. It can be a counselor. It has to be somebody who loves and knows the Lord and is filled with the Spirit ’cause you can’t heal at the level of the soul without the Spirit. This is a very delicate, painful, broken moment, and somebody needs to be very wise and very prayed up to help work through that healing process.
The last thing you want to do is just invite in family or friends. They’ll multiply the pain. They’ll not heal it, ’cause they’ll take up offense, and they’ll take sides.
Fully Confess Your Sin
The other thing is, for the guilty party or parties, you need to, with a professional or a pastor, practice full disclosure. Sometimes what happens when we have sin, we partially confess. We’re like, “I’m going to say enough that I feel a little better and you have some idea of where we’re at.” But if you don’t fully confess, it’s like going in for surgery and taking out some of the cancer. If you leave the rest, it’s only a matter of time before it multiples.
And what happens is if you don’t deal with all of the issues at once, you’re going to have to deal with them again later. So imagine how painful it is to go through surgery, but not get all the cancer, and then to have additional surgeries. My goal would be, “Let’s cut it all out at once, as much as we are able to do that. I need to fully disclose everything so that we can actually deal with everything.” So full disclosure with a professional or pastor early on is really crucial.
Identify The Root Issue
Grace Driscoll: Yeah, it’s like you just talked about, too, in your saying right now, get to the root. And like you talked about in Ephesians, that there’s oftentimes a root of bitterness under sexual sin. And so getting to that. Where is that unforgiveness in your life, whether it’s for a parent or spouse or whatever it might be, so that you can dig that up and actually heal? ‘Cause that will keep you from healing completely, and you’ll just continue to have the same issue, the same sexual sin and wonder why. But if that’s underneath it, you need to get that out.
Find A Support System
And you really do need a support system of people that you both trust, not just as the woman, not just someone you trust, but that your husband trusts, because there’s a lot of shame around that issue, and you don’t want to have condemnation keep him from healing as well. So people that you trust — a professional — and maybe another couple that you trust to be in that process to support you. ‘Cause there’s some days that are harder than others in that discovery process.
And so you need someone to come alongside, not just quoting verses. Scripture is awesome and truth heals. But you need someone who’s going to be in the battle with you and empathize with you and be willing to pray and just listen and cry with you as needed. So you need that support system with those trials.
Adultery and Pornography as Demonic Counterfeits to Marriage
Mark Driscoll: As I was talking about, too, or briefly so, everything that God creates Satan counterfeits. Adultery and pornography are demonic counterfeits to marriage. If you put the lens of spiritual warfare over it, God’s like, “I created you for covenant and sexual intimacy, and Satan’s like, “I’ll counterfeit that with pornography and adultery.”
And so it’s literally seeing that this is a spiritual warfare issue. This is a demonic attack issue. This is the enemy coming to steal, kill, and destroy. And so coming at it with that sense of intensity instead of just, “Oh, this is a struggle that I have.” No, this is a war that I have.
